i had a dream last night in which i was being pulled apart from different sides with such insensitivity that at times it threatened to rip me apart . now the reason for that nightmare could be a few so let me just cut to the chase .couple of months ago everything was hunky dory as i was a man with a plan . a plan based on my needs , having all the ingredients to make it an ideal one, like many aspiring individuals , where money , fame etc forms the bedrock of future endeavours , where everything was taken care of , apart from one small but indispensable thing , which i only realised after weeks of self evaluation and thorough overhaul of the so called ideal plan. only part that was missing was the spirit ! or soul ! or whatever you call it! i was contend that atleast i have a plan in mind at a time when most didnt , but now it feels as if i m just another fake, like thousands , infact i have cheated myself brazzenly . life, literally out of my command, is making terrible headways . it feels as if somebody else is taking decisions for me . the whole situation , whatever it has turned into , has caught me off guard n is posing a serious question, whether i m ready, to make those necessary sacrifices to follow my dreams or should i be just another guy in the crowd n become the great indian follower . have i lost the ability to create something on my own or i m totally subdued by my own prejudice . will i be able to live my dream? didnt i want to make it large? is it too late to start afresh.. inspite of these sporadic nauseating grips , every now and then there is a realisation, a belief that it's all just a bad dream , that i m gonna pull myself upright , feel the strength in my legs and would run wild! wild! , deep in to somewhere spectacular , n never look back again ... ever
UNABASHED VANGUARD
Thursday, 15 October 2015
Sunday, 8 February 2015
SILVER LINING DRAWN
How can some one with those big curious eyes tells you to do
something and you do it like a slave , how can they be so intimidating and
arousing at the same time. how can one face become your identity and you cant
identify with any other face crossing you everyday. How can each and every
topic can be traced back to the same name. why is this even happening or m I getting
delusional .why there are moments of total blackout and everything seems to be
just waste. Why there is always a hope in spite of all doors being closed. Why
does wait seems to be the most viable option instead of better ones like
recovery . why everything is so normal
and why cant I feel it, how m I
supposed to function being heartless, aimless and soulless . why can’t I
just move on , why my every attempt just boomerangs , why I have knowingly crossed the rubicon. What else does she wants
from me ? I have given my time , my smiles, my tears , my love and some hate
too. Still it feels as if its not enough . leave aside enough, the cravings seems to grow gradually . robbing
me off my dreams , my aspirations, she
managed to get not just the last laugh but has cast a spell of perennial sorrow .it
messed my life , ruined my plans and still i smiled , seemed to me some sort of dementia which hushed the prudent voice n yelled the
dreadful one, sabotaging my composure
n keeping me restless beyond imagination
. sometimes its
really hard to imagine life without seeing her in the college corridors ,
occasionally talking to her and once in a while sitting together. her sweet but
commanding talks that often made me feel servile, her nice little pink lips
changing colors depending on her mood ,
her dazzling eyes which expresses a
whole gamut of emotions ranging from concern
, sympathy to naughtiness , serenity and
understanding .life , as far as I have realized, is like living in a very big
hotel , the people in your room are the people with whom you are gonna get old
with ,the silver lining is that anybody can come and go out of your room as
they please...
what happened to us honey ?
I can’t fathom why don’t you come back to me , have
lived my lyf writhing in pain . it seems flames of my love have only burnt me , even if that’s the case I still believe u would see my agony n come back . there is a limit to which I can wait, after
that the blame for my erosion would be on u . myriads of thoughts crosses my
head , just what can I do to feel u again in my pulses. I remember the last
time I checked it n the change was apparent. the word missing u would be an
understatement for your physical absence . Since u have gone it feels as if the
life is blanched n left to look like a silhouette , honestly there is no desire
to replenish it either . Staring at stars and soliciting for response, when
alone, is a ritual . should have known while foraying into this exclusive
zone, it’s impossible to retract .
inspite of innumerable efforts , your clutch on my heart seems unyielding ,
thereby making mockery of my endeavours.
Don’t know when this uncanny tryst with pain would unravel n I will get my
share of happiness, seems accessible yet masquerading. Stifling my desires just
by closing my eyes n heaving a sigh of anguish is all I can
do , not letting anyone know about the constant battle , which has been lost
before commencing . As the twilight approaches my soul plunges deep into stygian darkness n makes me ponder why me?
Saturday, 7 February 2015
DELHI DIARIES
It went like a breeze
of wind not waiting for me to catch on , now that it has already gone , it is mourned
and will be for some time to come. As it is said “ no knowledge without college” , true to its core , it has been a learning
curve , brought out my true self ,unshackled the free soul within. apart from the five
senses that we generally have , a new sense of freedom is also palpable ,
freedom to choose my own destiny .my
college days were usually marked by self indulgence and self deprivation seldom blending with the crowd. The invisibility in
those 3 and a half years of cloaked existence is finally visible In the
selfies and group photos on fb. It’s a
great risk not having any memories , any trapped moments or any final goodbyes
, in a way puts u in a different
category but the risk was necessary to maintain the status quo . overriding an impulse to let loose calls for an unyielding control which took
years to blossom .now that everything is gone (may be forever) , there is a great disbelief inside, a
pandemonium in the making, which will subside eventually but not without
teaching a worthy lesson . it takes some time to recover from a sudden stroke
of reality however strong u are , pulling u back on ground with a force severe
than most , bringing u back into the real world. Now
the only wish is to get lost in the unending
transitions of pause and play, start
and stop ,and likewise, in a city swarmed by
the multitude, which easily takes u in but makes u struggle for every
bit of happiness . I know that once this
initial euphoria around the place would die down , it will be hard to sustain .
in a trade-off , for absorbing me
inside, the city and I have a tacit covenant which requires
me to expose myself, no more self indulgence , no more air of mystery
around , just following whatever the mighty heart commands . this pursuit of self discovery does strikes
the right chords though it remains to be
seen how far I m willing to give away what I have to get things that I really
want . though the results are scant and not
reassuring , like numerous other
undertakings , the only way to snatch a few moments worth living is by
diving into the inner cesspool and clearing all the mess that has been
accumulated off late , pummelling my nemesis to its knees .
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
COLLEGE CLOSURE
When I opened my facebook page , I saw a caption
luring me to say “What’s on my mind??” ,I didn’t cave in during the first few seconds
but later on as seconds grew to minutes
, I knew my mental hedges were too fragile
for my emotions to cling to .finally succumbing
to the rising temptation , I had to yield
. Well! In ,on , over n under my mind there is only one point . A point where
everything seems to be hazy, a point
that was once an inception, terminated to its worthwhile end, though
a bit twisted , snaking through myriad
points . a point of inflection ,many would call it. a point where it’s futile to either
sprint or jog as the tracks are yet to
be laid out , a rare point where memories
score over dreams as the memory lanes yearn to be revisited , a point where u want more but can’t get it
in spite of yelling at the top of your
voice “ encore!” , a point where u don’t
know about your state of emotions in spite of constant scouring , a
point where both meeting and parting is of equal priority as the past
drags n the future brags ,a point where contrasting emotions prevail n gives u a helluva time making you choose whether to be stoic or to
vent it out , expressing yourself like
never before , a point where in spite of being strangers throughout , u are expected to form contacts ,a point which is a beacon of
inevitable change, marking the end of an era , though coming at a heavy price
,a point where the path is divergent and the onus of right or wrong turn is on oneself, a point where u inhale and exhale in the same
breath as if it’s one of the last few, a point where all plans seems unplanned , a point where everything feels standstill, a point which is pointless…..
A TRIBUTE TO THE IRON LADY OF INDIA :
A TRIBUTE TO THE IRON LADY OF INDIA :
Activism, strikes and protests go hand in hand with any major issue which requires an overhaul. Often a group of similar minded people forming their own fraternity n pursuing various causes with zest, indulge in it. but for how long ???? some would say until u get the desired result , what if u don’t get the result , for how long would u continue , obviously there would be some limit ,isn’t it???? but for irom chanu sharmila (true personification of resistance ) there is none . Hailing from Manipur she has manifested an impregnable resolution , in a way becoming a role model for people with similar interests .she began fasting in protest for killing of innocent civilians allegedly by assam rifles ( indian paramilitary forces) n has been on nasogastric intubation( feeding from nose) since November 2000. Three days after she began her strike, she was arrested by the police and charged with attempt to commit suicide, since then she has been regularly arrested and subsequently released . Epitomising defiance , she has been relentlessly opposing the AFSPA ( armed forces special power act) for over a decade. An avid follower of Gandhi , she has given a new definition to non violent protest, which was hitherto not seen n which even the erstwhile doyens would have found tough to emulate. caught in the vortex of countless promises and equivocal assurances , she has managed to trump all n exhibit her might at national platform .while all of us are enjoying our normal lives , she has been battling this cause in solitary incarceration . her sheer audacity begets reverence n should be held in high esteem.
at the end of the day its govt. call to either repeal AFSPA or not but this indian amazon imbues me with pride with each passing day.
at the end of the day its govt. call to either repeal AFSPA or not but this indian amazon imbues me with pride with each passing day.
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